Sunday, January 3, 2016

Fear of intimacy

Day #3

I sit in the dark, cold living room . TV is a background, raindrops are so loud and candles smell like applespice. New Year and again I'm sitting here alone. I yearn for company , I crave love because loneliness is creeping it's ugly head again. Darkness is starting to seep in. Then I imagine some fantasy hugging & spending time with some one. Reality hits me and I freeze. I can't offer them what they want. Since when? I use to love sex, cuddling & anything physical. Now I cringe when my own sister hugs me without my permission. WTF!!!
Stupid fucking Social anxiety. I haven't been in a relationship in 7 yrs. And the more time passes, the bigger & thicker that wall between me & the world become.

How do I learn to cope, how could any one else want to deal with me? At the end everyone must leave & I stay.

What is the fear of intimacy?

Intimacy anxiety is the fear of emotional closeness with another. It can also include the fear of being sexually intimate with a romantic partner. The individual who fears intimacy will be reluctant to open up and be genuine for fear that they will be rejected for being their true self. They wish to avoid hurt and pain at all cost.



Thursday, November 12, 2015


Day #2

I'm aware that it has been a couple of days since my last post.
Today was a not so good day. Now days tend to be like rollercoasters. One moment I am up and the next I'm down. These days I've been feeling the pain around my chest, like a vice crushing my lungs, I can't breathe. Sometimes I want to scream, other days I want to sit in the middle of anywhere and disappear, but other days I go back to old habits. Today my anxiety is almost crippling and the voices started yelling in my head. I went back to old habits, i started pulling to ease myself. I look down and I'm covered in hair so I remembered, the gloves!
For the first time since I bought them I had to recurred to them. At first they felt warm and fuzzy, then the pain. It started in my fingers, like a low hum. It ran to my hands, it's an extraordinary pain. I just want to take the gloves off. I keep arguing in my head, begging... please just take them off!!!
It's like I can't breathe, i just need to breathe, let me breathe.....

Thursday, October 29, 2015

The road to recovery

Day 1:

As part of my therapy, it was suggested that I try blogging. As you can see I had posted way back in 2008 but that was a different time in my life.
I can't promise I'll write everyday but I want to try at least once a week. Here we go...

What is my journey? what am I writing about? where to begin? l know everyone says from the beginning but it's not that simple. What do l want to recover from? Easy... l want to be normal, not another Statistic! no label or judgements because I don't fit into the mold created by no one / everyone.

Trichotillomania: is an Impulse Control Disorder characterized by the compulsive urge to pull out one's hair, leading to hair loss and balding, distress, and social or functional impairment.

This is the beginning, what I want people, friends and family to understand. l can't just stop whenever I want. OH! how much I wish I could. How hard I try and struggle with it. Every time I fail it becomes harder to recover. My internal battle is silent to the outside but it's too loud inside me. My depression gets a hold of my failure and makes me weak. My anxiety starts whispering the most ridiculous statements, but at the moment they make sense. With the purpose to keep me alienated from the outside, from people, from moving forward in my life. It becomes enough to take control and those monsters are sly enough to seep through and damage everything I work hard for.Their wicked ways just become too much some days.
Oh! little green pill how much I loathe you for being my constant reminder that I can't just be me. How could I? In a world ready to judge at the first sight of different. In a world that is perfectly  constructed with lies and masks we all hide behind. This world of social media isn't made for the different, the darkness, the raw emotions, the reality of mental health.

This is the beginning of my journey. This is for me, this is for anyone in a similar situation. Know that you really aren't alone.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Mientras mi corazon se oscurece
mientras las lagrimas corren por mi piel
voy dejando ir los recuerdos
todo se apodero de mi y no puedo mas
mientras veo que te vas
siento que el mundo se derrumba a mis pies
siento que me parto en mil pedazos
pierdo las esperanzas.....
Si en algun momento crei en el amor
si en algun momento crei en ti
ya no creo en ninguno de los dos
Mientras mi corazon se va endureciendo
siento la tristeza mas grande del mundo
se que no te vuelvo a ver y que perdi la fe

Monday, October 20, 2008


What is life?
We can describe it as a series of events that happen since the moment we are born till the day we die. There is no life after death. Then why do we rush life? When we were younger (kids) w wanted so much to grow up, "enjoy adulthood". Live that wonderful, colorful life that TV, Movies, society puts in our heads. We forget to enjoy the moment, those years. Then as we start to grow up we realize it wasn't what we excepted and that life is just one deception after another. We can start out by high school, if your different, have an own mind, not go with the "crowd" your a nobody, its like you are invisible. Then comes graduation and prom. And ohh prom, what a big, huge deception there. I mean you don't even have fun, you are probably listening to a stupid and that you don't like, or you decided to get drunk (sorry but in Puerto Rico you are legal to drink and buy alcoholic drinks since you are 18
years old) and barely remember what happened, or you just leave. Then come college, oh wow college, after sometime there you realize that your "life plan" is not what you expected to be, i mean classes are not what you expected. So you end up changing your concentration, and when you realize you are lost in this world. Have no idea where are you going or what you wanna do.
And please don't get me started out with guys ( no offense, i like guys) but after so many deceptions you guys are just not worth the trouble, headaches, cuz at the end its us girls that end up with a heart break. So you know what happens next we want to be kids again. What crazy life, yes we want to be kids, with no responsibilities, no going to work, no getting up early. I mean when you are a kid the only worries you have is what cartoon will i watch this morning? or what
cereal do i wanna eat today???? Life, Great huh.....

So my name is Sylvia and this is my diary, if you like it, leave a comment, check it up becuz i will keep writing. If you didn't like it please feel free to read something else. Am not here to write what other people want to hear, i am here becuz i want to write my feelings about anything, and maybe who knows you might feel the same way. Sooo have fun, and good day or night