Thursday, November 12, 2015

Breathe...

Day #2

I'm aware that it has been a couple of days since my last post.
Today was a not so good day. Now days tend to be like rollercoasters. One moment I am up and the next I'm down. These days I've been feeling the pain around my chest, like a vice crushing my lungs, I can't breathe. Sometimes I want to scream, other days I want to sit in the middle of anywhere and disappear, but other days I go back to old habits. Today my anxiety is almost crippling and the voices started yelling in my head. I went back to old habits, i started pulling to ease myself. I look down and I'm covered in hair so I remembered, the gloves!
For the first time since I bought them I had to recurred to them. At first they felt warm and fuzzy, then the pain. It started in my fingers, like a low hum. It ran to my hands, it's an extraordinary pain. I just want to take the gloves off. I keep arguing in my head, begging... please just take them off!!!
It's like I can't breathe, i just need to breathe, let me breathe.....

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/anxiety-attacks-and-anxiety-disorders.htm

Thursday, October 29, 2015

The road to recovery

Day 1:

As part of my therapy, it was suggested that I try blogging. As you can see I had posted way back in 2008 but that was a different time in my life.
I can't promise I'll write everyday but I want to try at least once a week. Here we go...

What is my journey? what am I writing about? where to begin? l know everyone says from the beginning but it's not that simple. What do l want to recover from? Easy... l want to be normal, not another Statistic! no label or judgements because I don't fit into the mold created by no one / everyone.

Trichotillomania: is an Impulse Control Disorder characterized by the compulsive urge to pull out one's hair, leading to hair loss and balding, distress, and social or functional impairment.

This is the beginning, what I want people, friends and family to understand. l can't just stop whenever I want. OH! how much I wish I could. How hard I try and struggle with it. Every time I fail it becomes harder to recover. My internal battle is silent to the outside but it's too loud inside me. My depression gets a hold of my failure and makes me weak. My anxiety starts whispering the most ridiculous statements, but at the moment they make sense. With the purpose to keep me alienated from the outside, from people, from moving forward in my life. It becomes enough to take control and those monsters are sly enough to seep through and damage everything I work hard for.Their wicked ways just become too much some days.
Oh! little green pill how much I loathe you for being my constant reminder that I can't just be me. How could I? In a world ready to judge at the first sight of different. In a world that is perfectly  constructed with lies and masks we all hide behind. This world of social media isn't made for the different, the darkness, the raw emotions, the reality of mental health.

This is the beginning of my journey. This is for me, this is for anyone in a similar situation. Know that you really aren't alone.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania
http://www.trich.org